


Floodgates of a Warped Mind

by TiredofOldUsernamesMF



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Ableism, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Autistic Julian Bashir, Bad Parenting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, M/M, Richard Bashir is the literal worst, no beta we die like men, shortly after Doctor Bashir I Presume, slash is kind of a background thing in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:35:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24482878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiredofOldUsernamesMF/pseuds/TiredofOldUsernamesMF
Summary: After being replaced by a Changeling, kept in solitary confinement in a Dominion Prison, and having his most dangerous secret revealed to everyone he knows, Julian's naturally not feeling very well.This story is mostly a bunch of flashbacks, followed by attempts to cope with them.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 32
Kudos: 114





	1. Memories of a Missing Bear

He wasn’t in trouble. He was still in Starfleet. He was still a doctor.

He was still an augmented freak.

Well, he’d been thought of as a freak before then. It’s why his father had it done in the first place. He was too stupid and too clumsy and he was rude, disrespectful, ungrateful, and the list of faults went on and on. His father went to prison for him and he was still ungrateful. He still wished he was never enhanced and hoped to never see his father again. He wasn’t sure about his mother, but if she took his side, he wouldn’t want to see her either. He was back in his quarters now, thankful that they were still his, but he was thanking God or Starfleet, not his father.

God or Starfleet. He just equated a branch of the State to a deity. Garak would love to hear that.

Wait, that had nothing to do with anything. Even now, his mind still wandered sometimes. He usually didn’t mind. If he wasn’t focusing, he wouldn’t have to fake losing at darts. He’d just miss because he wasn’t paying attention. Yeah, some of that clumsiness was real, but people were going to start thinking he faked all of it. Maybe it was for the best that they thought all his flaws were an illusion. It meant there was nothing left to fix.

He wanted Kukalaka. He was alone in his own quarters. No one had to know that he cuddled his old teddy bear when he was stressed. He’d learned that trick when he was very little: If no one can see you do it, it’s okay. Don’t get caught. Don’t get caught playing when you’re supposed to be working. Don’t get caught reading spy novels instead of textbooks. Don’t get caught bouncing or flailing around when something good happens. Hiding his enhancements was an extension of hiding everything else about himself. The enhancements were what happened when he failed.

Kukalaka. Nobody understood the name. Did it mean something in some language they didn’t know? No. It meant nothing more than anyone else’s name did. Julian meant Julian and Kukalaka meant Kukalaka. Of course, there were lots of people called Julian out there and only one Kukalaka, but that’s because they weren’t named by Julian “Jules” Bashir at age three.

Julian was given a nameless teddy bear when he was still a baby. His parents didn’t name it, knowing that when he started talking, he’d give it a name. It took longer than they expected. He spent several years making lots of meaningless sounds with only a handful of real words added to the mix of gibberish. By the time he was three, he was sort of talking, though he clearly preferred to talk to himself in his own made-up language. He talked a lot. He just didn’t say anything that anyone wanted to hear. Nobody else cared that ks and ls were fun to say. Kukalaka sounded nice and his teddy bear was the nicest thing he knew, so they were matched. Kukalaka meant good, in a way. But, his father kept giving it another name that Jules had trouble remembering…

…

_“Jules, what is this?”_

_No response. He didn’t know what Daddy wanted him to say and he didn’t care. He just wanted Kukalaka back and Daddy was holding him hostage. He whined and reached for the teddy bear, which was yanked away from him._

_“Jules, what is this animal’s name?”_

_Of course he new his name. That was easy!_

_“Kukalaka.”_

_“No. What type of animal is it?”_

_Jules hated these little pop quizzes Daddy threw at him. They usually led to yelling and having things taken away from him._

_“Dunno. Want Kukalaka!”_

_“Say ‘I want’.”_

_“I want!”_

_“Now, ask nicely.”_

_“I want ask nicely?”_

_“I can’t take this anymore! Amsha, deal with him.”_

_Daddy walked away, taking Kukalaka with him. Jules struggled to his feet to chase after him, screeching in frustration, even though he knew that he wasn’t allowed to do that._

_“Jules, don’t fuss. When you want something, you have to say ‘please’. You should’ve said, ‘May I please have Kukalaka back?’ Does that make sense?”_

_It made sense, though Jules wondered why Daddy didn’t just tell him that in the first place._

_“May I please have Kukalaka back?”_

_“You’ll have to ask Daddy. I don’t have him.”_

_So, Jules chased after Daddy just as he’d intended to. He gave the right answer and rescued Kukalaka from the dungeon of Daddy’s office. Mummy followed him and told him how proud she was of him._

_“See, Richard? He can learn.”_

_“Only two years too late.”_

…

Seeing his parents and discussing his enhancements brought back a lot of unhappy memories. Even before he was enhanced, he’d had a good memory and remembered a fair amount of his early childhood, even if it felt like it was something that happened to someone else, as if Jules was a character in a story he’d been told. Once upon a time, there was a little boy whom nobody wanted...

It was late now. Julian knew he needed to sleep. If he didn’t he wouldn’t be ready for work in the morning. But, the floodgates had been opened and he was drowning in a sea of memories that he’d hidden from himself, hoping they’d go away. He couldn’t find Kukalaka. He used to be unable to sleep without him. Once, his father took him away for a whole night and he’d had the worst nightmares and woke up crying every few hours. His mother made his father return Kukalaka the next morning, but that night stuck with him. Even as an adult, if he had nightmares, he had to have Kukalaka to make them go away.

He’d apparently lost Kukalaka. He couldn’t remember where he’d put him. He thinks he might’ve shared him with Leeta, trying to appear more grown-up by acting like his teddy bear didn’t matter much to him. Their break-up wasn’t painful. They’d made sure it wouldn’t be with their trip to Risa. But, Julian suddenly found himself hating Leeta. But, he didn’t want to look childish by begging for him back. He’d have to do without. He didn’t have a choice. For years, he’d been able to avoid losing the teddy bear, but his luck had run out.

…

_Jules had built a big block tower in his room. There was a green blanket at the top to resemble leaves. Daddy wouldn’t let him have a treehouse, so he’d built a pretend one. It was also a fortress to protect Kukalaka while he was at preschool. Bringing toys from home wasn’t allowed and he’d almost gotten kicked out for throwing a tantrum when Kukalaka was confiscated and trying to break into the principal’s office to get him back._

_One day, when he was five, Jules came home from kindergarten and ran to get Kukalaka from the treehouse. He knew his room so well that he didn’t need to look where he was going. Well, that’s what he thought before he crashed into the treehouse, causing an avalanche of wooden blocks. Kukalaka had gotten buried in the rubble. Only one of his legs was visible. If his head was buried, that meant that he could suffocate, so Jules pulled him out by the leg instead of moving the blocks to get to him. He had to act fast. Unfortunately, this led to Kukalaka’s leg falling off, leaving a trail of stuffing in its wake. Jules scooped up everything he could grab and ran to Mummy. He shoved the mess of stuffing and fake fur into her lap and begged for help through his tears._

_“Fix it!”_

_“Jules, I don’t think I can.”_

_“Fix it!”_

_“We’re going to have to throw him away, Jules.”_

_She stood up and moved towards the waste disposal._

_“No!”_

_“I’ll by you a new toy. You can pick out whatever you like.”_

_“No!”_

_Jules snatched Kukalaka from Mummy’s hands and took him back to his room. Apparently, he couldn’t trust anybody with Kukalaka, not his parents, not his teachers, no one. He’d have to fix this himself. Kukalaka was dying and he had to save his life._

_He replicated a needle and thread. These weren’t the best tools for surgery, but Kukalaka wouldn’t mind if it saved his life. He picked up the stuffing that had fallen out and pushed it back through the hole it had escaped from. Then, he sewed the leg back on. Jules still had trouble holding a stylus, so handling a sewing needle seemed impossible. He pricked his fingers at least three times, but he didn’t give up. It took a long time, probably longer than it should’ve, but he did it. He saved Kukalaka._

_Mummy was proud of him. He’d learned who to do something all by himself. His teacher already thought of him as unteachable and Daddy agreed, but he could learn things when he was by himself. He could focus and stay calm when there was no one around to yell at him. He also didn’t have to decipher instructions that didn’t make sense. Now, he’d learned a new thing and Mummy was proud and even Daddy smiled, though he still wasn’t very happy._

_“Why can’t you be so smart with your letters and numbers?”_

_“Richard, let’s focus on the positive for once.”_

_This led to another parenting argument, so Jules decided to go to bed early to avoid it. Mummy brought him ice cream._

…

Without Kukalaka, Julian had to figure out another way to get himself to sleep. He recited times tables to himself. That didn’t work. He tried to reread _The Never Ending_ _Sacrifice_. That didn’t work. He tried to list every word that rhymed with sleep, alphabetized the periodic table, memorized a map of Bajor, and none of it worked.

He closed his eyes and turned off the lights. He thought about all the times in his life when he was completely exhausted, trying to remember and absorb the feeling. Unfortunately, this led to another memory he’d failed to forget coming back into his mind.

…

_Daddy’s quiz had gone on for hours. It was an hour past Jules’ bedtime and he still had to answer a barrage of questions about letters and numbers and animals and all sorts of other things._

_“I’m tired, Daddy! T-I-R-E-D. I can spell it!”_

_“Jules, we’re not doing spelling now. Focus on the cards.”_

_“I can’t! I’m too tired!”_

_“If I send you to bed now, Kukalaka will have to spend the night in Time-Out. Is that what you want?”_

_“No…”_

_“Then try to focus for just a little bit longer. Just get one more, okay? What is the name of the animal on this card?”_

_“I dunno. I’ve never met him.”_

_“Jules! Is this a picture of a cat or a picture of a dog?”_

_“I dunno, I’m tired!”_

_Daddy was really mad. He grabbed Jules by the shoulders and shook him, something he only did when he was as mad as he could possibly be._

_“Goddamn it, Jules! What did I just say? Are you capable of listening to a word I tell you? I can’t believe my six year-old can’t answer a question that most two year-olds wouldn’t struggle with! Go to bed, if you’re so tired, but you don’t get any of your toys for the rest of the week!”_

_Daddy had a reward and punishment system where he kept all of Jules’ toys locked up and only let him play when he got enough answers right. It wasn’t making things any better._

_“Can I keep Kukalaka? He’s not a toy, he’s my friend!”_

_Daddy sighed. He didn’t like it when Jules said things like that. But, he was tired too._

_“Go ahead. I’d rather not upset your mother.”_

…

Julian did finally manage to fall asleep. He woke up at a decent time and tried to just work as normal. The flood of bad memories hadn’t stopped, but he focused, just like he’d been taught to and kept working. There was a flu going around on the station, so he spent most of the day giving flu shots.

Around midday, a Bajoran couple came in with their child, a little girl named Sarel. She clung to her mother’s leg, begging not to have to get a shot.

“I don’t wanna get needles! Please, Mommy, I wanna go home!”

Julian could remember basically saying the exact same things when he went to the doctor at her age. On a better day, he’d mention that to Sarel, maybe distract her with a story so she wouldn’t notice the hypospray. He wondered why those were so scary, since the needle was basically invisible. He’d gotten used to hyposprays after spending some time on a planet that didn’t have them. The technology on Adigeon Prime was mostly modern, but some of it, like the procedures it was used for, hadn’t been widely used since the start of the 21st century. They had needles that were very visible on syringes. After a few months of those, hyposprays didn’t seem so scary.

Today, he gave Sarel the flu shot with only a quiet apology. The subject of needles wasn’t good for him right now. He’d been able to ignore it, but seeing a frightened child brought back memories of Adigeon Prime. He’d avoided thinking about his time there for well over a decade, but the stress of the past few weeks had consumed him completely.

His traitorous mind swept him away.


	2. The Monster Makers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Most of this chapter is flashbacks to a hospital, so if you hate medical stuff as much as I do, you might be a bit uncomfortable.
> 
> Also: ANGST

When Julian was eight years old, he saw a very old movie, so old that there were no colors, about a man named Frankenstein who stitched together pieces of different people and brought them to life with lightning. He was supposed to use the brain of a genius to control this chimera, but he accidentally used the mind of a criminal instead. Something about that movie terrified him. He wasn’t scared of the monster at all, but the idea that a new person was made from all those bits and pieces, making something that wasn’t supposed to be and that, despite all the effort put into creating it, nobody wanted.

Julian, many years later, realized that what frightened him about that movie was that he’d met Doctor Frankenstein and that the monster was him, or could be if things went wrong.

That was the first time Julian’s memories of Adigeon Prime came back to haunt him. Now, it was happening all over again. His parents had left him alone in the lab of a team of mad scientists, wanting to create new life. Though, unlike the corpses that were made into the movie’s monster, Julian was still alive. His parents thought so little of him that they left him for dead. That’s why Jules died in a hospital before his seventh birthday. His corpse was one of the many that were stitched together to form the new Julian Bashir.

Now, that Julian Bashir was sitting in the corner of the infirmary on Deep Space Nine, trying to make the bad thoughts go away again. But, he remembered the day he died. He remembered the death of Jules, his own death before being born as someone else, someone who was supposed to be better than this. If he wasn’t, then what was the point?

…

_Jules wasn’t suspicious when Daddy started smiling. Mummy didn’t smile so much. She seemed nervous about something. Maybe that’s why they were taking a vacation. They were going to some planet he’d never heard of. He couldn’t remember its name. It wasn’t in the Federation, which he knew was probably a little strange, but he didn’t care. It was his first time in space._

_When they landed on the planet, Jules wanted to see everything. The sky was different. When it was night, Daddy showed him that the constellations were all in different places, and that there were new ones that couldn’t be seen from Earth. When Jules couldn’t remember their names, he didn’t yell at him. It was okay that he didn’t know things, for once._

_“You’ll learn all about these things someday, son. It’ll be very soon. Soon, you’ll be smart and fast and strong, just like the other kids at school.”_

_“I thought you said that was never gonna happen.”_

_“I don’t think that anymore. I know you’ll get better. I’m certain of it.”_

_“Is that why you’re so happy?”_

_“Yes, Jules. That’s exactly why I’m happy.”_

_The next day, they went to a big building. The inside of the building was a bit uncomfortable. The walls were so white that it made his eyes hurt. Luckily, there were other things for Jules to look at. For the first time, he met people who weren’t from Earth. There were aliens who weren’t from the Federation. He’d never even seen pictures of them before. Mummy wouldn’t let him talk to strangers, but she said that they were going to meet someone soon and that he could talk to him as much as he wanted. He bounced around the room, unable to keep his hands or feet still. Daddy didn’t yell at him. Nobody seemed to notice. The aliens smiled at him._

_They went to another room where there were toys. Jules played while they waited to meet the person they were supposed to be meeting. He introduced Kukalaka to all the other stuffed animals and they built a castle out of blocks. It was an oddly-shaped castle that fell over twice, but Kukalaka didn’t get hurt this time. The blocks were different from the ones at home. They felt soft._

_“Mummy, look! This is the capital of the Land of Soft Things and Kukalaka is the king!”_

_“That’s wonderful, Jules…Jules, you know how much I love you, don’t you?”_

_“Yeah, but why are you saying it now? You only say that at bedtime.”_

_“I just wanted you to know.”_

_“Okay…”_

_Mummy was very quiet for a moment._

_“Jules, you’re going to be staying at this hospital for a while and Daddy and I won’t be with you. I won’t be able to say ‘I love you’ until many bedtimes from now, so I’m saying it now, for all those times.”_

_“This is a hospital?”_

_“Yes, Jules.”_

_“But I’m not sick, Mummy. I feel fine!”_

_“The doctors here are going to help you with a lot of things. It might not make sense now, but when this is over, you’ll feel better than you ever have.”_

_“Do you really have to go?”_

_“Yes. I’m sorry, Jules.”_

_“Why didn’t you tell me this before? I thought this was a vacation!”_

_“I didn’t know how to tell you!”_

_“Why?”_

_“I can’t tell you that now. All I can say is that I know this will be scary and that you need to be brave now. You’ll have Kukalaka with you and he’s always brave, right?”_

_“Yeah…”_

_“Then try to be brave like him.”_

_That’s when a door opened. Jules hadn’t noticed it before. There was a man with feathers like a bird. There were a lot of people like that in the building. Maybe Adigeon Prime was just like that. The Feathered Man turned to Daddy first._

_“You’re Richard Bashir?”_

_“I am.”_

_“And the boy is your son?”_

_“Yes. This is Julian. Jules, say ‘hello’ to your doctor. He’ll be looking after you while we’re away, so you have to do what he says, okay?”_

_“But I don’t want to stay here! I don’t know what’s going on!”_

_Jules had started to cry by this point. Mummy was crying too. Daddy took a deep breath, trying not to be angry._

_“Jules, let’s not make this any harder than it has to be.”_

_“No! No, no, no!”_

_The Feathered Doctor, who never said his name, just waited for everyone to be quiet. When everyone was almost quiet, he spoke to Jules._

_“Julian, say goodbye to your parents. We have work to do and I’d rather it be done as quickly as possible.”_

_“I don’t understand.”_

_“Your father brought you here to help you understand things better. When we’re done, when he sees how much you’ve grown, he’ll be very happy.”_

_“He won’t yell at me anymore?”_

_“No, he won’t.”_

_Reluctantly, Jules followed the Feathered Doctor through the door and down the hallway, clinging to Kukalaka and trying to focus on how much better things would be once this was all over. It helped for a few minutes.Then the needles came out._

…

Julian forced himself out of his mind. People were staring at him. His patients, his staff, they were all seeing him for what he really was. He wanted to stand up, to speak, to tell them that he was okay, that he was just tired and had a bit of a dizzy spell or something else like that. He thought the words but he couldn’t get them out. His muscles wouldn’t move. He was paralyzed in the corner, people looking down at him. He knew that he looked like either a child or a madman, but knowing that didn’t give him control back. Weren't all Augments mad anyway? Perhaps his symptoms just took longer to manifest.

…

_There were needles. The doctors had to take blood. He wouldn’t keep still so they couldn’t get the needles in right and had to do it over and over. He was taken to a different room with a bed that had straps on it. He made himself hold still so they wouldn’t strap him down. He needed to be able to move, to have some control over the nightmare he’d been stuck in._

_After the needles there were big machines that scanned his brain, a giant hoop that he was carried through on a bed that moved back and tipped down._

_They brought him to a bedroom so he could sleep while they looked at the scans and decided what to do. It was night. He’d completely lost track of time, being inside in rooms that mostly didn’t have windows, but this one did. He was very tired, but he couldn’t sleep. Everything was wrong. The walls were the sort of bright white that seemed to glow in the dark. The bed was on the wrong side of the window, facing the wrong direction. The blanket was scratchy and the pillow was too thin. The room smelled funny, though he wasn’t sure exactly what it smelled like. He didn’t like it._

_“I’m scared, Kukalaka. I still don’t know why Mummy and Daddy left us here. Nobody’s told me anything. What’s wrong with me? They ignore all my questions. I hope you’re not scared too. You’re the only one who didn’t leave. Help me be brave, Kukalaka. No one else even cares.”_

…

Julian struggled against the invisible restraints of his mind. He just wanted to leave the infirmary and go back to his quarters where no one could see him break. He’d find some way to put himself back together by tomorrow. Today, he’d just leave for his lunch break and not come back. He’d call in sick, because he felt sick, he couldn’t breathe right. He felt dizzy.

…

_Dizzy. On the second night, Jules had to wear some sort of thing on his head while he slept. He had a headache the next morning. Every day, the headaches got worse and he world started spinning. The doctor said that those were normal._

_When Jules came to the hospital, he felt fine. Now, he was sick. The doctors were making him sick. Why? What did he do wrong? How was this supposed to make him better?_

_Jules used to get thoughts stuck in his mind. He’d have the same thought over and over and then move on to the next one. Now, he had many thoughts going through his head fast enough to make it spin. He guessed that this was making him smarter somehow. That’s what Daddy always wanted. The doctor was testing for it. He answered questions like the ones Daddy gave him at home and they were getting easier. Maybe, if he got really smart, the doctors would take the thing off and make the headaches go away. He started studying for the quizzes._

_“3.14”_

_“T-R-E-E”_

_“3.14159”_

_“H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L”_

_“3.14159265359.”_

_“P-T-E-R-O-D-A-C-T-Y-L”_

_After a week in the hospital, Jules couldn’t sleep. His head hurt too much and he had too many thoughts and they were all going too fast. He took the thing off his head. The headache didn’t go away, but it got a bit better. The buzzing in his ears stopped._

_When he woke up, the thing was back on and he couldn’t move. He screamed and fought and the next thing he knew, he was on the floor, nurses crowded around him, with the doctor explaining something to them._

_“We’ll take him off the treatment and just see how he develops naturally. It’s been long enough that the re-sequencing should be close enough to complete to get the intended results.”_

_Jules caught his breath and managed to speak._

_“What happened?”_

_“Why didn’t you report your symptoms, Julian?”_

_“You mean the headaches and buzzing sounds? You said they were normal. This was supposed to happen, wasn’t it?”_

_“You had a seizure. You’re lucky not to have significant brain damage. That’s happened to other children who’ve had this treatment, you know. If you’d told us how bad those headaches were, we could’ve made adjustments to keep this from happening.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Well, I hope you’ve learned your lesson.”_

…

That only happened once. Why he was blamed for having a seizure in the midst of an illegal medical procedure, he had no idea. But, he’d learned not to argue with the adults by then.

Julian managed to stand up, running out of the infirmary, though he knew he should’ve just walked to avoid making a scene. He ran all the way to the turbolift, still drifting in and out of flashbacks.

…

_“We’re going to try something new today. It’s a game. We’re going to play catch.”_

…

He made it to his quarters and resisted the urge to collapse on the bed. He needed water. He went to the replicator.

…

_“Everything hurts!”_

_“Just keep working for a little while longer. I know you’re stronger than this.”_

…

The water tasted bitter, for some reason. He always had to add lots of sugar to his tea because tea was even worse.

…

_“Mummy! Daddy!”_

_“Happy birthday, Jules! We knew you wouldn’t want to spend your birthday all alone.”_

_“How are you feeling son?”_

_“I think I’m smart now, Daddy. May I go home? I’ll be good. I’ll do well in school and I won’t complain about anything. I don’t like it here. There are needles and machines that make me hurt all over and I keep twitching now!”_

_“That’s just your reflexes getting better. Just like with everything else, you’re overreacting.”_

_“Will I get to leave soon?”_

_“Just one more week.”_

…

That last week was the week of height and weight gain, making the “growing pains” quite literal. Julian was so lost in his memories that he could remember all the aches and pains and stints of illness. His enhanced reflexes reacted too quickly to his enhanced vision. Enhancing stamina seemed to require getting sick.

The aches and pains weren’t mentioned in the progress reports. It was all Week One: Patient’s IQ now at 115, Week Two: Patient’s IQ maxed out at 150, further re-sequencing inadvisable, Week Three: Patient has received enhancements to hand-eye coordination and fine motor skills. Further therapy required.

Julian remembered every single word of that damn report from when his parents showed it to him for the first time.

Week Four: Coordination therapy successful. Proceeding with stamina enhancements.

Week Five: Patient has reacted poorly to recent re-sequencing. Due to the risks of further tampering, sensory control techniques are being taught.

Week Six: Patient has yet to be desensitized to light, delaying vision enhancements for the time-being.

Week Seven: Vision enhancements successful.

Week Eight: Height and weight enhancements successful.

And now Julian’s enhanced memory seemed to be showing him almost every second of it. He drifted in and out of reality for some time, not sure how long it lasted. When he returned, he was still in tears. He hadn’t earned those tears. They were Jules’ tears, not his.

… 

Doctor Bashir had never been this late before. He’d cancelled this late before, but he was late even for that lateness. Where was he? Garak knew that he’d most likely gotten lost in his work, perhaps an emergency of some sort, and he simply hadn’t had time to cancel properly.

Garak had been looking forward to what would certainly be an interesting and heated discussion about a collection of spy novels that the doctor had wanted him to read. They were the inspiration for that ghastly holosuite program they’d been trapped in a year prior. He was no longer surprised by the low quality of the program, which may well have been an improvement on the source material. From what he could tell, 20th century Earth had an attitude towards women that almost resembled that of the Ferengi. If the doctor saw this James Bond as a role model, it would definitely explain why none of his relationships ever seemed to work out. Insulting a person’s literary heroes was a good way to get them into a good argument and Garak had a feeling that this could become the best argument they’d ever had.

But, there wasn’t time for that now. Garak didn’t want to have to keep his arguments to himself for another week. Perhaps they could reschedule for an earlier date than that? He could easily convince the doctor to join him tomorrow. It would be so easy that he considered getting bold and just inviting Bashir to dinner. On the subject of lateness, that was probably something he should’ve done years ago, but better late than never, he supposed.

Garak was surprised to find that the doctor wasn’t at work. He’d seen him enter the infirmary that morning, so he wasn’t out sick. Even stranger, the nurse who told him was clearly hiding something. He could see it in her eyes.

“I believe Doctor Bashir went back to his quarters. He…wasn’t feeling well.”

The woman was a terrible liar.

Still, he had to follow the lead he had, so he went to Doctor Bashir’s quarters. He knew from the nurse’s behavior that something was wrong, wrong enough that the doctor wouldn’t notice or care if Garak just invited himself him. The codes that locked the doors in the habitat ring were easy to override.

Garak spotted Bashir in the corner next to the replicator, curled up in a ball and sobbing.

He’d been right. Something was indeed very wrong. 


	3. Sins of the Father, Virtues of the Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak and Julian have a long conversation about the latter's feelings and a brief, much lighter conversation about the former's.
> 
> I'm not the best at ending stories, so I hope this works out well.

Julian didn’t notice when Garak invited himself in. He’d stopped noticing everything but his memories.

…

_“There you two are! I was worried sick!”_

_“I saw a girl die, Mum. She was sick and we could’ve helped, but we didn’t know how to and I saw her die.”_

_“I’m sorry, Jules. But, these things happen sometimes. Try not to think too much about it. We’ll be moving back to Earth soon, so it’ll be something that happened far, far away.”_

_“We’re moving again? Why?”_

_“I was going to tell you, son. Turns out I’m not the best diplomat for this planet. I’ve been reassigned. The people here just want more than I can give them. They don’t care that I have a family. No respect for family at all!”_

_“Dad, we just saw someone die.”_

_“And what does that have to do with anything I just said?”_

_“You saw a child die right in front of you and you’re already back to thinking about yourself!”_

…

“Doctor?”

…

_“Jules, I will not allow you to waste your talents on mindless games!”_

_“We live in the Federation, Dad! We’re here to improve ourselves. I’m already perfect in school, so this is something I can actually improve on. You’ve always said that you wanted to make me famous. Maybe, instead of being a famous genius, I’ll be a famous tennis player and you’ll still be my father.”_

_“Jules, do you remember Adigeon Prime?”_

…

“Can you hear me? Are you ill?”

…

_“Why Starfleet? You could do just as well here. Jules-“_

_“It’s Julian and if you’re about to say that it’s illegal for me to be in Starfleet, I’ll remind you that it’s also illegal for me to practice medicine and you’ve never once complained about that! You only ever worry about the law or my safety when I’m doing something that wasn’t part of your plan!”_

_“I should never have had them fix you. When you were…I don’t know, whatever they call it these days, you didn’t argue.”_

_“You’re only proving my point. You really want to know why Starfleet? It will take me away from you!”_

…

“Doctor!”

Julian felt someone touch him, grabbing him by the shoulders, trying to shake him awake. He was tired. He’d done something wrong. He’d made a mistake and now he was in trouble.

“I’m sorry! I’ll get it right this time!”

“Julian Bashir, look at me.”

Julian looked up to see a familiar pair of blue eyes. He looked around at his quarters. He was Doctor Julian Bashir. He was the Chief Medical Officer of Deep Space Nine. He was thirty-two years old.

His father wasn’t here. He was in prison for what he’d done.

The man in front of him was Elim Garak, a former Cardassian spy. He was working as a tailor. He was probably around twenty years older than Julian, assuming that Cardassians and Humans aged at the same rate.

He wasn’t angry at Julian. He was just scared because he was having a nervous breakdown.

“Garak?”

“Yes, Doctor?”

“Did you just call me Julian?”

“It got your attention.”

“We’ve been friends for five years. Why have you never done that before?”

“It would’ve been improper.”

“Can it be proper now?”

“If you’d prefer it.”

“I would.”

There was a pause. There was nothing more to say on the subject of first names, so the subject of the conversation would have to change, but neither Julian, nor Garak knew what to change it to. Garak decided that it might be a good idea to change the subject back to the mystery of why Julian was crying in the corner of his quarters in the middle of the day.

“I take it that you’re not having a good day.”

“I’ve been feeling terrible for weeks, Garak.”

“Then why didn’t you say anything?”

“Would you really have wanted to hear me go on and on about my problems?”

“That’s as good a topic for conversation as any other. It lacks the entertainment value of discussing literature, but it’s really no different from speculating on the future plans of the Dominion. It’s not boring and it might prove necessary, or at least useful. Knowing you, not talking about it is probably driving you mad, so perhaps I could restore a bit of your sanity by asking what this is all about.”

Julian had no idea how to explain. So, he just started talking. He talked about everything, his parents, his time on Adigeon Prime, being found out, basically his entire life story. 

Garak just listened. He made a few comments, asked a few questions, but that was what Julian’s mother had called “active listening”. After that, there was another awkward silence. Well, all silences were awkward to Julian. It always felt like something was supposed to go there, that he was supposed to say something. It drove Miles crazy when Julian filled the silences. However, when he said it drove him crazy, he smiled, so Julian was pretty sure that wasn’t meant as serious criticism and he wasn’t in real trouble. His other friends didn’t seem to mind and the other people who did weren’t exactly his friends.

Just as he was about to fill this silence, Garak did it for him.

“So, you’re having a bit of a crisis over the feeling that your enhancements make it impossible to do what you intended to do by joining Starfleet. If you are your father’s creation, you can’t escape him. Is that part of the problem?”

“I guess. I mean, I really only know that I’m upset. I don’t know why. But, seeing my father again and having all of this come up might mean that that’s part of it, yes.”

“I’m not sure if you are his creation to the extent that you believe you are.”

“How could I not be? I was terrified of doctors after Adigeon Prime, but I became one mostly because that’s what he wanted. If I’m good at it, happy about it, it’s because that’s what he programed me to be.”

“Then perhaps you told your story out of order. Julian, how old were you when you were taken to Adigeon Prime?”

“Almost seven.”

“And yet, you apparently healed your first patient, fixed that toy creature, when you were only five. Your desire to heal injuries, to fix what’s broken, to help those you care about, the personality traits that make your profession appeal to you, where not a product of your enhancements.”

“If you’re saying I would’ve wanted to be a doctor anyway, I wanted to be a tennis player before my father made the choice for me.”

“You only learned to play tennis after you were enhanced, but you still see that as a part of you, not a part of him. You wanted to do things he approved of before you were enhanced and you wanted to do things he didn’t approve of after you were enhanced. Furthermore, wasn’t one of the moments that inspired you to become a doctor a moment where you saw someone die, and it had a powerful effect on you, while your father was unconcerned?”

“He didn’t want me to be a doctor because he was.”

“But it wasn’t your enhanced intelligence that made that girl’s death stay with you, was it? It was your compassion, which clearly wasn’t a product of your enhancements. In fact, it’s sort of the opposite. Your father didn’t like that you could feel enough for an inanimate object that you considered it a friend. That was something about you he couldn’t fix. And, it was the very thing that made you who you are. He might’ve wanted you to become a doctor, but it was the things about you that he couldn’t change that make you a good doctor. It’s not just scientific knowledge. You’re not purely a researcher. Being a healer for you is using that scientific knowledge to express your compassion. That compassion and your determination to help could’ve led you here without his influence.”

Julian felt like he should say something, but he didn’t know what to say. This meant that there was another awkward silence. He could feel more tears in his eyes, but no need to sob. These tears fell like gentle raindrops, not like the flood of despair that came before. What burst from the opening of the floodgates was evening out into a gentle stream. It was something he could manage.

The emotionally intensity was raised again when Garak took his hand. This time, the memory was more recent, a memory they both shared. He didn’t even need to think it before it was said aloud.

“It wasn’t your knowledge that saved my life during that struggle with my implant. You knew nothing of the technology involved and almost nothing of my physiology. But, you saw someone broken and dying and you had to do something about it. I’m sure it took you a while, perhaps longer than it should have, but you figured out how to save my life.”

“And I met your father in the process. You said he shaped you too. That’s why you became a spy.”

“I was spying on people well before he had anything to do with it.”

“It doesn’t matter either way now, does it? It wasn’t Tain who made you a tailor.”

“A service-class occupation, like a housekeeper. I suppose I take after my mother.”

“You keep her name. You’re not Elim Tain, so Garak has to be hers.”

“And it’s why I prefer it. You’ve known my first name for years and I’ve always pretended you didn’t.”

“It would’ve been improper for me to use it.”

“Not at all, no more than it would be improper for me to call you Julian. Cardassians are a bit more formal than Humans in that regard, but not extremely. But, if I called you by your first name, I was afraid you’d expect me allow you to do the same.”

“And you don’t like being Elim.”

“I don’t know who named me Elim, but that’s what Tain called me in private, just like everyone else when I was a boy. But, I decided to answer to Garak when I was older, to take on the name of my mother and the man who claimed to be my father.”

“You’ve never mentioned him before.”

“My uncle. My mother and her brother pretended to be a married couple so no one important would suspect that I was Tain’s son. That cover story was probably the only reason why Tain didn’t kill my mother before I was born. The name of Garak saved my life and the people who bore it raised me well.”

“You being Garak instead of Elim is a bit like me being Julian instead of Jules. Though, being Julian never saved my life. It just wasn’t what my parents called me.”

“Julian saved my life as well.”

“Actually, I saved your life by being Doctor Bashir.”

“You’ve forgotten, a major component of your saving my life was the compassion you had well before you became a doctor. It was Julian who held my hand like this and said he’d forgive me for whatever it is I’d done.”

“You remember all of that? You were dying at the time.”

“Of course I remember. I’ve had to remember. How many times have you forgiven me? I tried to leave and go back to Tain and the Obsidian Order. You forgave me. I broke the law to break into your holosuite program, just to get your attention, and nearly risked the lives of every other senior officer on this station. You forgave me. I tried to kill you, to destroy the Founders on a planet that you were on. I was in prison for six months and you never visited me once, but you came right back to me after I was released, so I knew that I was forgiven again.”

Another silence. A deep breath. These next words would be hard to say.

“I didn’t notice when you’d been replaced by a Changeling. I simply didn’t think to look for the signs. It was Tain yet again who led me to you. You were suffering there far more than you’ve admitted to anyone and I could’ve ended it early if I’d only been paying attention. And yet, you act as if you’ve forgiven me. Do you forgive me?”

“Nobody noticed the Changeling, Garak. Of course I forgive you. I’ve been lying to you and everyone else about who I am for five years. Do you forgive me?”

Garak’s hands slid up Julian’s arms to his shoulders. He didn’t shake him this time. His hands simply rested there, though they were shaking a little.

“Julian, have you forgotten who I am? I’m proud of you. There’s nothing to forgive.”

Hands still shaking, movements reluctant, Garak pulled him closer. Julian returned the embrace, mirroring Garak’s actions. But, putting his hands on Garak’s shoulders seemed to be a mistake. A jolt seemed to go through him.

“Am I hurting you?”

Garak smiled and shook his head.

“Not at all. I just wasn’t expecting that. Those scales under your hands are rather…sensitive.”

Julian let go and almost jumped back in surprise, but Garak held him in place.

“Oh! I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Julian…”

“What?”

“This might seem a little off-topic, but you know how Ziyal is far too fond of me to the point where Dukat seems convinced that we’re having some kind of love affair?”

“Are you?”

“Julian, she’s barely more than a child. But, sometimes I wonder if her fondness for me comes from her father’s disapproval.”

“That can’t be it. She loves her father, as insane as that may be.”

“Well, I was thinking…”

“What is it, Garak?”

“Perhaps, when your father gets out of prison, he’ll be more reluctant to visit his son if said son was in an intimate relationship with the former spy of an enemy government who’s most likely not that much younger than he is.”

“You’re definitely younger than he is.”

“An older man with a violent past from a race hostile to your own…Your father would loathe me.”

Julian laughed, realizing where this was going and how absurd it all was.

“Garak, if you wanted an ‘intimate relationship’, you could’ve just asked.”

“Really? How was I to know it was that simple?”

“I’m not surprised you didn’t. Nothing is ever simple with you.”

“Or plain.”

“If there was anything plain or simple about you, I would never have fallen in love with you.”

“What?”

“Does that surprise you? As if you haven’t fallen in love with me!”

“But you just say it so casually!”

“At this point, I have nothing to hide. As for you not telling me, it’s just another thing for me to forgive you for.”

Now Garak was the one trying to fill the silence with no idea what to say.

“I…”

“Just kiss me.”

And he kissed him. It was just awkward enough for Julian to figure out that Cardassians probably didn’t normally kiss like Humans did. They probably learned it from the Bajorans. But, it was far from unpleasant.

After Garak pulled away, he seemed to be ready to continue the conversation.

“Feeling better, I see.”

“Not really. The second you leave, I’ll probably just crash again.”

“Then we’ll delay that second by any means necessary.”

“Does that mean we both have the afternoon off?”

“And the evening, I hope.”

“Of course.”

It appeared that a new floodgate had been opened, one of laughter and relief. Like the previous, more negative flood, Julian knew that it wouldn’t last. He’d feel terrible again someday, but not about the same things. He was fine, for now. He still didn’t have Kukalaka, but he wouldn’t have to sleep alone.


End file.
